Even in the Cold Night
by Meimicchi
Summary: Tomoyo reflects on her feelings for Sakura, and what happiness means to her. Songfic.


Even in the Cold Night  
October 1999  
by Meimi  
---------  
  
  
I shut the door to my room softly...I don't like being interrupted when I'm watching my videos.  
  
What videos, you ask?  
  
If you know anything about me, that should be obvious.  
  
But maybe you don't, so I'll just tell you.  
  
They're not any kind of movie title you can buy in a store...though I watch as many of those as the next girl. But these are much more special. These are things I treasure; I always know I'll smile when the screen flickers to life out of the darkness...  
  
Because they're of the person I love.  
  
Hm? Who? Not a movie star, no.  
  
Sorry. It's a secret.  
  
Too much of a secret for even my own good...because even she doesn't know; doesn't realize.  
  
  
---  
_ne, does everyone become this lonely when they fall in love?_  
---  
  
  
It's funny that way, isn't it? How I record her every movement on videotape...so I can take it home with me, and relive every second I'm with her. I can push pause, and just watch her smiling face...forever. A moment in her life is an eternity for me. And just with this, I'm content.  
  
So...isn't it funny, how while my eyes never leave her face...never wanting to waste a second with her...and how I notice every detail...  
  
And yet she never figures it out?  
  
Un. I love her.  
  
But she'll never know.  
  
  
--  
_ne, even more than the black darkness, does deep pain embrace you?_  
--  
  
  
A slight smile tugs at my lips as I toy with a strand of my hair...the hair grown out long like my mother wanted...  
  
My mother was in love too, once. Ever since she was young...  
  
But her heart was slowly, slowly broken over the years. Slowly shattering as she sank into jealousy.  
  
She couldn't stand watching her loved one be happy with someone else.  
  
  
--  
_all of it was only for our sake, so that we could shine, i'm certain_  
--  
  
  
...my mother's become bitter about it over the years. I look at her, seeing how she hasn't moved on at all after Nadeshiko-san's death, and I can feel my heart aching. Each time I notice that faraway look in her eyes...her gaze shifting to that chest where a bouquet is locked away...the flowers dried and dead.  
  
Like my mother. Those flowers...they're where my mother's life stopped, when she pushed pause.  
  
Ever since I can remember, I've grown up watching my mother thinking of "what-if"s over all these years. She won't allow herself to forgive, to forget...and she still says angrily that Nadeshiko-san was stolen away, still glares at Fujitaka-san with eyes like ice.  
  
But she doesn't understand. Nadeshiko-san was happy, really happy because she fell in love.  
  
I love my mother so much.  
  
But she was so selfish.  
  
And somethimes, it makes me wonder, did she ever really, I mean *really*, love Nadeshiko-san at all?  
  
Because...when I see my loved one's face lighting up with joy...her emerald eyes sparkling...a smile making everyone's day brighter...  
  
  
--  
_you, i love you, i'm watching you in my heart_  
--  
  
  
It makes my heart fill up with joy in those moments, and I'd do anything at all to keep her smiling forever.  
  
Even giving her up?  
  
Of course. I won't let heartache kill me bit by bit. Every time I catch a glimpse of longing in my mother's eyes when she mentions Nadeshiko-san's name...I think to myself, promise myself, that I won't let myself become like her. I'll be so happy for the one I love, my heart will continue overflowing with these feelings always...so that I can always keep an honest smile on my face; never even think of the word "regret".  
  
Because she has someone she loves, too.  
  
Someone she can confide in...someone who knows her...someone who'll be able to understand her feelings as well as me.  
  
  
--  
_you, i believe in you, even in the cold night_  
--  
...maybe she doesn't even know she loves him herself, yet. But I can tell. She trusts him, it's just the way she looks at him. These days, she's ever so slowly moving away from me...going to him with her problems...he's her shoulder to cry on now.  
  
Not me.  
  
  
--  
_with my eyes, i call out to you now_  
--  
  
  
And why I don't say this bitterly, in a voice tainted with anger and regret? So cold to the world, because she has Li-kun always...and I only have her smiling face on videotape to console me when I feel heartbroken?  
  
There are times when I do wonder; why do I always shove them together? Why don't I try to get between them? I could. If I did...I could play make-believe...she could be mine forever...and then...  
  
...and then I'd be exactly like my mother was. Always in denial of what was meant to be.  
  
I won't ruin this.  
  
I'll watch her quietly from the sidelines- never getting too close, too involved in her love. I won't stand between the two of them.  
  
Why?  
  
Because she'll be happy, of course.  
  
  
_ "I..." I hesitate for just a moment, looking away. "I want the one I love to be happy, more than to love me in return."  
  
I turn my gaze back to her...her sweet eyes staring into mine...so full of innocent confusion.  
  
"...are you saying, you don't even care if the one you love doesn't love you?"  
  
I shut my eyes, replying softly.  
  
"Of course, I would be happy if that person returned my love."  
  
I open them, smiling at her.  
  
It's not a forced smile, it's genuine and real.  
  
I can't be bitter, because...  
  
"Because...the one I love being happy...is the greatest happiness of all."  
  
She blinks, the thought taking a moment to register for her...she seems completely in the dark.  
  
But for one moment, I see understanding flickering inside those emerald gems...  
  
And then it's gone as she smiles at me.  
  
"...I'm sure, the one Tomoyo-chan loves is really happy."  
  
I gaze at her...and for a moment, it's just like I've pushed pause on the video; I feel like I could live inside this moment forever...  
  
And she turns away, and it's gone.  
  
  
_ ...I hope you're right, Sakura-chan.  
  
That you're happy.  
  
--_  
i don't want your promises  
with my eyes, i reach out to you now  
even in the cold night_  
--  



End file.
